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Sunday, February 13, 2011

I Will Always Lie, I mean, Love You, Happy Valentines Day.

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It's Valentines Day again. I remember my last Valentines Day.  We were heading for a break up but we both mutually agree, but not in so many words, to extend the relationship because we did not want to spend the so-called love holiday as singles.  My dinner plate, however, was served to me sizzling with lies and freshly cut parsley leaves on top of it.  In the middle of dinner, I was hoping everything would turn black and white and Katharine Hepburn would walk in the restaurant with her leopard in "Bringing Up Baby" next to Cary Grant who was still wearing her marabou-trimmed negligee.  Instead an army of happy couples entered, each pair obviously intoxicated from hearing their partners recent declaration of love that would last forever after.  Luckily, love do last forever. I've seen it happened, unfortunately, and so I cannot totally dismiss love.  But as Woody Allen said, it all depends on luck. 

Some people are lucky to find love that would carry them through old age. Some people are just unlucky enough to fall in love with a liar.

Why would the person who claims to love you lie to you? It is an old question bordering on the cliché and so let’s cut the chase and let’s get down to the possible answers.  As a grammatical note, I hate using the compound pronoun “he or she” as a unisex antecedent to the word “person.”  For purposes of brevity, all odd numbers will take the pronoun HE and all even will take SHE.

1.  Lying may be just a simple act of self-preservation disguised as relationship sabotage.  Can it be that he is too scared to go the deep end with you that he lies as a sign of panic, unaware of course but honed by habit.  Could it be that he has felt the first signs of true love with you, but he has never gone that far in his previous relationships that he is fearful of what it might do to him? If his lies become the cause of the end of the relationship, he has sadly succeeded.  He has lost his love but not himself, and I learned that not everyone is brave enough to give himself wholeheartedly to love that he loses his self-awareness.  But, as his partner, if you keep on fighting, you may foil his panic plan, and see him for all his fears and love for you.  Perhaps, you can both move forward. But then again, will you be willing to lose yourself in the battle? Will you, as his partner, be willing to invest in a fight that you might lose?

2.  She lies because you are not the one.  You are the “transition man,” “the one she loves for the mean time while she waits for the true one.”  It is not that she does not want to tell you the truth.  It is just that the truth will definitely disappoint you, to say the least.  Ask her, “how do you see us a year from now?” She will avoid the topic by asking “why would you ask something like that?” Or she would just lie, not intentionally to deceive you but she does not know the answer herself because at the back of her mind, she knows that there may be (a big “maybe” but still a possibility) that a better one will come around.  Admit it; if you’re with someone but he seems like not the one you would spend the rest of your life, you would lie to him if he asks you “Do you love me?”  You wouldn’t want to say “No” because you do love him but just not enough, yet. You do not want to say “Yes” because you would be trapping yourself in case your “true love” does come around.  But still, what if he eventually becomes the one, you wouldn’t want to lose him so early.  If this is your predicament, it’s too bad. It is really hard to know until she leaves you for the “right one” and by that time, it is too late.

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"Bringing Up Baby" is a 1938 screwball romantic comedy directed by Howard Hawks.  It was a flop in 1938 but it is now considered to be one of the best romantic comedies ever produced.  To paraphrase New York critic A.O. Scott, the story may be far fetched but the comedic timing and execution of Grant and Hepburn under the direction of Howard Hawks made this film a classic.

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