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Sunday, January 16, 2011

Smoker's Diary #13: First Time, Amelia

Photograph by Rob San Miguel (Seoul 2008)
Written on
May 11, 2008
AMELIA

Amelia hated being ordinary. Deep in the recesses of her heart, she knew that she was ordinary despite her beauty. She was attractive and had an almost perfect body. She did not have those ridiculously big breasts. Hers had the right size but they were perfectly shaped that they looked more sensual compared to the humongous fake ones. However, Amelia's beauty was the kind that can be spotted anywhere and anytime. It was uncanny ordinary beauty.

Amelia never ran out of admirers. In fact, her problem was that she was always heckled whenever she walked on the streets. But that all she was for them, a physical being that caused men to have erections. It does not matter if she was talking about Richard Rorty’s works, or she made a clever comment about a political incident, all men could think about was how good it must feel to have their penises inside her. If she did somehow manage to get a man to listen to her ideas, all she would get was a polite and patronizing reply,

“Wow, you are intelligent and beautiful.”

She hated that expression for reasons only people like her would fully understand.

On her twenty-third birthday, she finally lost her virginity to a man she met at a party. Amelia was not really attracted to him but she had sex with him because he had no pretence.
He did not lie to her. His intentions were pure, simple and animalistic. She did not have to second-guess and she appreciated his callous honesty.

Lying on the bed next to the man, she had a sudden urge. It was like a fire suddenly burst inside her and she felt it burning her insides. She put on her clothes and left the man, still naked on the bed. She looked for the nearest 7-11 and bought her first pack of cigarettes. Then she went back to the man’s apartment. She took the man’s lighter on the table next to the bed and sat on the chair. She stared at the naked man sleeping on the bed. “He is boorishly beautiful,” she thought. “He’s a perfect specimen to take my precious hymen. Let them bleed.”

Amelia quickly tore open the pack of Dunhill and she took one stick and lighted one. She inhaled and slowly blew the smoke upwards. She watched as the smoke rose up like a somnolent aged soul leaving her body. The smoke reaching the ceiling and searching for an escape, but there was none. She looked at it. “Hello there Amelia,” she whispered.

That night, she knew who she was and what she would never allow herself to be.
                                                                                       
That was 10 years ago; Amelia has never smoked another cigarette. She is still unmarried and she works in an advertising firm in Makati. In a couple of months, she is up for a big promotion. If you ask her if she ever regretted sleeping with that beautifully uncouth man, she would say, “He was the most honest man I have ever met. He deserved my hymen and that was all he got.”

Next: Smoker's Diary #14

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Photograph: "inhale, exhale, your life" by Katarzyna Dembrowska

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